Cortyn played Pony Island, one of the strangest games ever. The first impression is very deceptive …
Probably I will have lost half of my potential readers with the title image, but I don’t care in this case. I want to revive one of my old columns today and tell you about a game that has captivated me like no other for a long time. Be warned, there will be massive spoilers.
You all surely have that one friend in your friends list who always says: “Here, check out this game, it’s really good!” Just by looking at the title image of the game, you know “When hell freezes over, maybe.” That’s exactly how it was with “Pony Island”. I saw the title image and thought it was some crappy mini-game where you control a pony jumping over obstacles. Basically, that’s what it is – and yet not.
Pony Island starts harmless and cheesy, just as I feared. A cheerful pony hops across the screen and presents me with the start menu. “What could go wrong?” I think to myself and start the game.
Pony Island – “Answer to Your Prayers”
Shortly after, the screen darkens and a second start menu appears, noticeably pixelated – retro-styled. When I try to click “Start” here, it doesn’t work. I go into the options and see strange settings: “Ominous Buzz”, “Hellfire”, and “Answer to Your Prayers”. There’s also a button “Repair Start Menu”. My curiosity is piqued. So, I repair it and start the game.
[pullquote]I realize I’m being tricked. Just by whom, I don’t know.[/pullquote]
As suspected: I am a pony and jumping over obstacles. I have to jump about 10 times before the level is complete. The game bombards me with experience points, gives me 70 level-ups along with endless praise: “Wow!” – “So well jumped!” – “Fascinating!” and “360 no scope!” – I realize I’m being tricked. Just by whom, I don’t know.
TL;DR – The Most Important in Brief
I will cut it short here and summarize a bit, because I already notice that the column is getting longer than I had planned:
Pony Island was programmed by Satan himself. He traps players at an arcade machine and forces them to play the game – forever and again. Because we are “too good”, we can overload the system and come into contact with other souls trapped in the game. To free them, we must destroy several core files hidden deep in the code of the game. Various (sometimes quite tricky) puzzles must be solved to stay sane and advance to the core files.
The core files are guarded by Satan’s demons, who naturally do not want us to destroy the game and stand in our way. These “boss fights” are some of the coolest encounters I have ever had in a video game.
I best explain the unfairness of the game with a nice example …
The Fight Against Asmodeus.exe
“Just pay attention to me and don’t take your eyes off me. Answer my questions correctly. If you succeed, you win. If you fail, you lose and I take your soul.”
Okay. Nothing easier than that. The pixelated file meant to represent the demon Asmodeus asks me to type in the number “666”. No problem.
Next, he creates a pony. “It’s a beautiful pony, isn’t it? Just look at how it sparkles.” Because I’m not completely stupid, of course, I don’t look. I stare at the pixelated demon. “The pony sparkles, oh how beautiful it is!” Not with me, Asmodeus.exe! I answer his second question without any problem.
“I’m getting bored of this game. You’re good, really good.” That somehow satisfies me. Suddenly the “ding” sound goes off and I’m messaged on Steam by a good friend. “lol, were you hacked?” Thoughts race through my mind. Hacked? Why? What happened to my account? Oh god, it’s linked with Paypal and my friends list and – again the ding. “Cortyn, is that you?” I press Shift+Tab to open the Steam overlay and respond. But it doesn’t work. Another ding. Another message from my friend: “ANSWER ME, MORTAL”.
And then it dawned on me. The game tricked me. It achieved more than I suspected. It read my Steam friends list and simultaneously figured out my account name. And then it even cranked up the graphics for the simulation of the “Steam overlay”. I didn’t notice. Asmodeus asks me to type in the term he mentioned. I can’t do it. I wasn’t paying attention. My soul is gone.
[pullquote]The error screen disappears and Asmodeus.exe winks. Oh, how I hate this game.[/pullquote]
On the second try, I don’t fall for this trick anymore and escape this trap as well. However, at the 4th question, the game freezes and makes a disgusting sound that I rip the headset off my ears. “Pony Island is not responding” it proclaims on my screen in classic Windows fashion. “Wait for a program response” or “End program”? I was already on “End program” with the mouse before I thought better of it. I wait. 5 seconds. 10 seconds. 20 seconds. The error screen disappears and Asmodeus.exe winks. Oh, how I hate this game.
In the end, we destroy the arcade machine and free the souls in a final, great battle. But that’s not enough. The last soul tells me that Pony Island will never end as long as I own the game. I should uninstall it, only then can I be free. Then Pony Island closes automatically.
I sit in front of the computer and feel like I just played the best game in the world. Maybe I still play it now. Who knows.
Three more parts of “Why I play” can be found here:
